Since my last post, a lot has happened. I
actually wrote most of this over the last couple months but then I’d get busy
with something and by the time I’d come back to it, there was more to
tell. For one, a member of our board
stepped in and the girls (3 out of the 5) went to the US for a couple weeks of
debriefing and counseling. That left Alicia (who has since stepped down from
leadership) and I here to run things and by the grace of God, it was calm and manageable;
one exception being a phone call I got from one of our supervisors on a
Saturday afternoon: “Aunty Stacy, Nancy is bleeding from the mouth.” She made
it sound like Nancy was vomiting blood, so minor panic followed by a quick
drive to find out it was just her gums. Never a dull moment… J
The girls have long since returned and I
have been praying the time away really was healing and transformative and we will
be able to carry on from here in a much healthier place. I know they have been
equipped with some coping skills and a lot of good information and I’ve enjoyed
hearing about what they’ve learnt and going through the resources they brought
back with them. It is not an easy fix, though, that is certain. We have also
started meeting as a group with one of the counselors they saw via Skype and it
has been really, really good for us.
Follow up on the compound: I have given up
on the veggie garden because it will take far too much time and energy to
maintain, neither of which I have a lot of when I get home from work. It was a
nice idea, though…the thought of a lovely, manicured, abundant, communal
garden…but the reality was an overgrown mess that would not likely have been
touched by anyone but me…no thanks. Besides, produce here is delicious, widely
available and cheap. The main garden in the front, however, is coming in
nicely. It's technically Em' garden (her mom planted it when her parents were here) but, of course, we all get to enjoy it.
Also, Trey had a cement ping pong table
built and it is pretty fantastic. We are anticipating some fierce tournaments
in the near future, though given my performance so far, I will not likely last
long in any of them.
Carter is eight months old now. My feet are
still healing from his puppy teeth and will probably wear the scars of a puppy
owner for some time. He is growing by the day and I am seeing glimpses of the
sweet, obedient, well-mannered dog I know he will be; he’s also shown some pretty
good guard dog instincts early on so that’s promising too. But shoot, puppies
are a lot of work and require an immense amount of patience; and with
everything else we deal with on a daily basis, he has at times been my tipping
point. Who would have thought a dog would be the catalyst that would force me
to deal with some pretty intense issues: control, anxiety, self-reliance, insecurity,
to name a few… I actually consulted a lady in town who is a bit of a dog
whisperer because of how much I was struggling and she pointed out the now
obvious fact that he is a massive ball of energy with no good outlet as he’s
alone on the compound all day. I have since started taking him for walks and it
has made a huge difference as well as being a blessing in disguise given how
little exercise I, myself, was getting. He is still having an issue with play
biting but I believe the issue is that he’s bored out of his mind and spends
too much time alone so I am looking into getting a second dog…but NOT a puppy.
The anxiety I talked about in the last post,
the “just below the surface” type, is really insistent on lingering. Sometimes
even the caffeine in a cup of tea can bring it to the surface. Fortunately this
is very infrequent, but on a couple occasions, nothing else appealed to me
besides crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head. It’s a nuisance,
to be sure, but I manage. I read an interesting article recently about anxiety.
What I found particularly interesting was this:
“Anxious people will never hurt you because
they know too well what it means to get hurt. Boy, do they ever know. They
don’t want you to go through it. They don’t want anyone to go through it.
Anxious people tend to also
be empathetic; they even care about people who hurt them.
People with anxiety are intuitive and
great at listening. They also love fiercely; they love jobs, friends,
significant others and, most importantly, life. People with anxiety know
how hard everything is and do not take any of it for granted.”
Though I relate to this, I have never
considered that it could be a byproduct of anxiety; I find I can’t help but
feel like it’s not the worst trade off. I have always been aware of the fact
that I feel things strongly and I’ve been grateful for the fact that although
emotions like hurt, anxiety and regret weigh heavily, I experience positive
emotions like joy, gratefulness and love with the same intensity. So for the
cost of some time spent with a heavy heart and a burdened soul, I am able to
live passionately, care deeply and love well…I think I’m ok with that.
To be honest, this year has not been easy,
but I don’t suppose I would have ever chosen that word to describe this life
God has chosen for me. I just pray we can always see situations clearly and
with discernment so that we are able to recognize what is God doing a work in
us and what is the devil trying to work us over and tear us apart. At the
moment, I feel we have generally failed to recognize the latter but beaten and
bruised as we are, I have faith we will come out of it stronger.
On a positive note, I went on a little
vacation with a couple friends (one who has since left Uganda for good and
requested I join her for her last hurrah). I spent a couple days in a Kisumu, a
small Kenyan city, and a few days in Mombasa on the Kenyan coast; my gosh, it
was beautiful. I am so fortunate to live in a place so near (comparatively) to
some incredible tropical locations. And to top it all off, I was informed after
I got back that our board is footing the bill because I wasn’t able to be a
part of the counseling and debriefing trip the girls went on. Just a thought,
but I think a cocktail, a good book and a stunning ocean view have a good
number of therapeutic properties, but maybe that’s just me. ;-)
I also got to spend a weekend at Sipi Falls a couple months back...beautiful place!
In other news, 2 of my best friends here,
Brad and Erika, began dating a year or so ago and recently got engaged. It just
so happens they are getting married in Nashville while I’m home for Christmas
so I will be able to attend (and sing at) the wedding. It will be a little Jinja
reunion as a few past volunteers and Jinjaites will be attendance as well as
Emily and Emily. The whole gang will be there!! It will be so weird! Erika is
currently my roommate so when I return, I will be living “alone” for the first
time in my life. I put that in quotations because I share the compound with 3
other friends in the 3 other units but it will still be strange.