Year 3...The Beginning...

It continually blows my mind how fast time goes by here. It literally disappears, but looking back, it always feels like so much has happened.

Although it was hard to leave my family after Christmas, the transition back was the easiest so far. I think it was because I was expecting it to be hard whereas in the past it always caught me by surprise. I know that sounds strange, that it was easier but also really hard, but I knew I was coming back to a sort of chaos so I was mentally prepared for it.

We had recently lost Sam and everyone was still reeling from that unexpected tragedy. On top of that, a dear friend (and member of the Ekisa team) was going through some incredible hardship having to give up a child that she had been raising for the last 2 years and had known for nearly 4 years before that. The story is long and complicated (as are most of the cases we deal with) but she is doing pretty well now.

Basically, I landed and was instantly surrounded with people at their wits end who regularly expressed a desire to be done with Uganda and I was left praying and hoping that my friends wouldn’t all leave me to deal with this place on my own. Scary thought given my Jinja family is the only reason (besides the grace of God) that I don’t lose my mind sometimes.

In all honesty, there are a couple members of the team that have been dangerously close to throwing in the towel recently and we are taking intentional steps to move towards recovery and making sure that those that aren’t struggling to quite the same degree avoid getting there. “Burnout” has been a hot topic at Ekisa. We are working at creating policies that will outline clear boundaries and responsibilities and allow each of us to take off time here and there without feeling guilty about it. Guilt is the key word here. In our recent conversations about this, it has become abundantly clear that we extend grace to each other by way of encouraging breaks and time off and don’t extend that same grace to ourselves. This is what needs to change…the freedom to take care of ourselves without feeling guilty about it. It’s all a learning process and part of growing as self-aware individuals and as an organization.    

On a positive note, it was so great to come back to the new apartment and have everyone settled in; though it was a huge amount of work getting everything finished (I’ll share pictures soon, I promise). There are currently 4 of us occupying 3 out of the 4 units and we are working on filling the 4^th with another expat community member. We’ve been doing some work on the compound recently and now have a carport and a functional fire pit; although rainy season is in full swing so we may not get a huge amount of use out of it right away. We’ve also started a vegetable garden and in a couple months, should have an abundance of tomatoes, cucumber, zucchini, watermelon, beets, sweet peppers, okra, sunflowers, squash, celery, chives, beans and snap peas. It’s all very exciting because I dreamt about this for so long and it’s all finally coming together.

Another big change has been the addition of a furry little friend named Carter. I would be lying if I didn’t say I kinda love him, as much as some of his puppy traits drive me crazy. We had a rough start, him and me. Without going into too much boring detail, he was the catalyst for a good 4-6 days of fairly severe anxiety…the illogical, uncontrollable, infuriating kind. It was especially frustrating because I kept asking myself how I can be calm in extremely stressful and tragic situations but a stupid little puppy is what caused an unraveling; but I guess that’s just the nature of the beast.

It’s been a month since I got him and everything is going really well besides a bit of residual anxiety that likes to hang out just below the surface. It’s actually a bit of a scary and dangerous place to be given any given day holds a number of possible stress inducing, potentially unraveling moments, so I need to be very intentional about how I deal with it all.

On another positive note, I had the chance to lead worship with a friend of mine last Sunday; just the two of us. I had led a couple times before with the Ugandan worship team (consisting of 5-7 additional vocalists) but this was simple and acoustic and it felt as though the congregation appreciated the change of pace. I feel it’s likely we’ll get the chance to do it again sometime in the future.

Well, that pretty much sums up the last couple months. I have put a reminder in my calendar to write another update in a month. I’m turning a new leaf!     

A Holiday and a New Home

So, the big exciting thing I spoke about in the last post was a wee holiday. I have never taken a vacation with a group of friends before and if that isn’t fun enough, we got to spend it in Zanzibar (don’t worry supporters, it was mostly my own savings that paid for the trip). J If you’re at all interested, you can see some pictures here.

Also, Em’s cat went into labor the day we got back and had two little kittens, Murray and Earl (they were named after our two friends, Brad and Trey, who were assigned those names courtesy of an online quiz entitled “What is your old person name?”).

Now for the really big news… Remember that apartment I’ve been talking about for a YEAR? The one my friends and I found last August??  We FINALLY signed contracts and moved in this past weekend! I cannot even begin to explain how happy I am about this. Where we’ve been living has been fine but less than ideal (3 adults, one child in a two bedroom apartment) and we have never really settled in because our mentality has always been that we would be moving soon. I am the type of person who needs to settle in, to nest, to make a place home, so this has been a bit of a challenge for me. Why is this new place so fantastic, you ask? Well, it’s a lot closer to work, for one. It’s a 4 unit building (2 down, 2 up) and is enclosed within its own gated compound (common and necessary security protocol). What makes this place so incredible is that I am sharing a unit with my friend, Erika, and the other units have been rented by friends AND another friend lives across the street. It’s my ideal living environment: communal but with everyone still having their own space. We have big plans for the compound including, but not limited to, a fire pit, a veggie garden, possibly a chicken coop with some layers. We are slowly recognizing the potential of some pretty epic group games, like hide and seek and sardines, as well. We all spend copious amounts of time together as it is so this just cuts down on unnecessary travel time and expense. And to top it all off, we will have dogs. This is another necessary security protocol, as none of us want the hassle of hiring a guard, but I am also a huge fan of dogs. Whether or not I, personally, have ownership is up in the air, but if Trey* gets more than one, I will just adopt his. 

*Trey is the standout in this photo from Ekisa prom (yes, Erika and I were going for an 80’s look; Em, on the left, she just liked the dress and gets horribly embarrassed by Trey’s antics). He has ordered a housecoat and Gandolf-like pipe for the apartment and plans on getting a small white fluffy dog from Kampala. Can you see why I am excited about this living arrangement? These will be my room/compound mates. Never a dull moment…

I took a couple pictures, but they’re not much because the compound still looks like a construction site (the landlord has until December to get the machines off or we live for free) and we need to get furniture (my bed was our couch at the old place). It will certainly be some time before we’re all settled in because everyone is going home at some point over the next few months and we won’t all be there at the same time until February. In fact, I’m already recruiting a volunteer to stay with me for 10 days in the beginning of December as I will have been abandoned by everyone else on the compound and am not so keen on being there by myself…I might also borrow someone’s dog or hire an interim guard...just to be safe.

This next month and a half could be a little rough as it will only be Emily and I at Ekisa (the other 3 “western” staff members will be away for various reasons). We will have 2 volunteers during that time so it should be ok but we are praying for no medical emergencies or emergencies of any kind, for that matter. 

Again, never a dull moment... 

Ebbs and Flows

I have been called out…

I went down to Mpigi to see the Peace Portal team a week ago and I was told that more than one person back home asked them to get on my case about the significant lack of blog posts.

Guilty…and the more time that goes by, the harder it is to be motivated to document my life; but I do recognize the importance of staying connected with the people that love and support me so, again, I am sorry.

The update:

I am still in the same 2 bedroom apartment (the “temporary” place that I moved into 9 months ago) that I share with Emily, Erika and Em’s foster daughter. There have been some major frustrations and I have experienced a wide range of emotions along the way, for sure, but I have loved aspects of it as well. For instance, Erika and I share a room and it’s kind of like a perpetual sleepover. She’s back in the States right now and I miss her dearly… In the midst of it, I feel I am getting closer and closer to really understanding the meaning of grace in the context of my interpersonal relationships and that, I suppose, is a gift. The new apartment is not out of the picture yet, it’s just…arg. That’s really all I can say about that…

We got a cat, her name is Molly.

There was a rally tournament in Jinja one weekend a while back. I am a fan of rally cars so I went to check it out…there were some safety precautions in place but we were still close enough to risk getting sprayed with sand and stones…it was fantastic.

The Agriculture Fair came again this summer. I didn’t hold a snake and go on sketchy spinning metal swings this year because it was too insanely crowded and we didn’t stay long, but I did witness the ring of death… Click here… 

My dear friend, Cheryl Butler, came to see me and spent a week and a half fully immersed in my world. It was lovely. Whatever she tells you about what she saw and experienced in regards to me and my crazy friends, don’t believe her, none of it is true…we are all well behaved, mild mannered “missionaries” who only say the kindest of things and spend our evenings playing Bibliopoly and drinking Shirley Temples. 

Cheryl and I went to Mpigi to see the Peace Portal team. If you read about my trip to Mpigi last year, you’ll be happy to know that traveling to and from was much more straight forward this time around and didn’t involve multiple pickpocket attempts and being tailed down a dark alleyway…ok, the latter may or may not have just been my imagination but it was a creepy alleyway and I did feel like a chicken on a spit in a den of hungry lions. The team came up to Jinja the day before heading home and we all had the chance to have a nice dinner and go on a wee float down The Nile together. They also took the time to visit Ekisa and it was a joy to show them around. I cannot stress enough how incredibly nice it is when I get to share this home with friends and family and this year I’ve had many an opportunity.   

The mental health update:

I have talked before about the nature of living here being one of extremes…things are either really great or really hard; death, corruption and cultural complexities all play a role in the latter. I have always been an “ebbs and flows” kind of gal and living in Uganda has been no exception. Sometimes I feel like I’m coping well and other times I do a poor job of it. Bitterness and cynicism are huge traps that everyone here struggles to stay clear of and it is extremely hard to not get ensnared. Last month was one of those months where patience and joy were far from flowing and my enthusiasm for being here was ebbing away; to be honest, it was the first time I had ever really thought about throwing in the towel. I daydreamed about moving back, getting a “normal” job and not having to worry about getting cheated or hurt or knowing when or when not to help someone and never witnessing the death of another child. My pride would have never allowed that, of course, but that doesn’t stop me from wallowing in a deep chasm of self pity. If it wasn’t for my faith and my family here (my friends, young and old), I don’t think I could manage. I am very fortunate to have people around me that know me and understand me and understand the struggles that we all go through and for that I am eternally grateful.

The good news is that God always steps in when I’m at the end of my rope and I feel like this time, He gave me an extra dose of grace…like a shot of holy espresso. Patience renewed, joy restored, I have been reminded why I am here. I have to choose though, everyday, to keep an attitude of joy and of love. My faithful Savior stepped in with a leg up, but I know what is required of me, I just don’t always own up to it. I sometimes think that when I “grow up”, I will be steadier, more grounded, but I think it may be time to admit that I will always struggle, I will always be drawn to that place where I am the centre of my own tragic universe. I am not unique and, I suppose, there is comfort in that.

So, in conclusion, I am alive and I am well and I have much to look forward to: a month from now, I will be on a plane heading out on an adventure with 4 of my most dear friends. My next post will likely be all about it…

A couple pictures of beautiful Uganda for your viewing pleasure...