Farewell Headley

I leave for Scotland tomorrow, so this is my final post from Headley; and the end of a substantial chapter in my life. To all those who took the time to follow along (immediate family excluded), I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for sharing in this experience and all the ups and downs that went along with it; you’ll never know how much it means to me. I can’t help but laugh when I look back on my initial posts and at how idealistic I was. Knowing full well what a sensitive, emotional and relational human being I am, I still chose to believe I could sail through this experience without too many significant struggles. But then again, I’m not surprised; I’ve always bordered a little on delusional optimism, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. So much has happened in the last two months, as a tourist and as a resident of this house, that I find the richness of it all a little overwhelming; so many beautiful places seen, so many truths revealed, so much given and received, so many limits tested and so many lessons learnt and taught. I know when I leave here, the young woman who arrived that sunny Saturday afternoon in June will be waving good-bye from the front step of the house as we pull out of the driveway. That thought excites me, but it also terrifies me for two reasons: first, I have an obligation to myself and God to continue my life from the point of returning home, not from the point of my leaving; and second, that I must maintain this fire in me that’s caused me to seek out all that I’ve learnt from this experience. Neither will come easy; that’s a cold, hard fact.

I couldn’t possibly go out without giving a rundown of my last day here. We all went to LEGOLAND; a Lego themed amusement park near Windsor Castle. The park was charming and even though the rides were rather infantile, I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Regardless of my own excitement level, the kids’ uncontainable excitement and delight made every activity a complete joy. It was a perfect day.

And finally, I’ve been relaying my victories and failures as they’ve occurred, but to not leave any ends untied, I must now admit to a few unsuccessful previously mentioned endeavors:
The boys’ reward race track: this has been unsuccessful despite my best efforts; there is only so much you can do without the full cooperation of the main authorities in the house. There is simply a lack of consistency; oh yes, and the fact that all incentive is removed if the reward is given despite the unsatisfactory progress of their cars.
The Pilgrim’s Progress: I barely made it through a quarter of this book; but not for the lack of wanting, just time and the issue of priority. I do have every intention in the world to obtain a copy when I get home so that I might complete it. I didn’t know the premise when I first began reading it and was blown away by the author’s insight. I find this book utterly fascinating. I realized that despite the absolutely ridiculous logic of this notion, I somehow had the impression that with time came a greater understanding. What I would give for a drop of the knowledge and understanding of Christianity that John Bunyan must have had to be able to lay it out in such a way. Though I’ve yet to finish it, I would recommend this book to anyone.
Finally, the issue of my daily Bible reading: I fear my progress with this is not even near where I intended it to be. My intention was to make it such a fixture in my life that I would come home with a genuine desire to spend time alone with God without it feeling like a chore. Maybe I’m not ready; maybe at this point in my life it’s like hammering a square peg into a round hole. I have a peace about it because not only has the time I did spend been fruitful, but I realize this was primarily my intention and not necessarily what God wanted to focus on. I feel that if it was something He felt was a priority, then things would have been different somehow. I will continue to read My Utmost For His Highest and have been considering a new approach; not forcing it as a daily requirement, but simply taking advantage of a quiet moment at any given time during the day to sit down with my Bible. No pressure, no rules, just the anticipated gradual rise in my inclination.

What will I miss most? The kids, of course: Williams infectious and uncontrollable laughter when I’d chase him around the house, stomping my feet saying, "I’m going to get you." Henry and Edward’s energy and those gentle, touching moments when one of them would come up unexpectedly, wrap their arms around my legs and lay their head against me. And Tom, the way he seems incapable of any feeling besides love towards anyone he comes into contact with. Besides that (and my dear friend, Paisley), I will truly miss the beauty of this country. What will I miss the least? Being lonely, the lack of freewill and how the Potters’ washing machine turned most of my pink knickers, grey.

So with a raised cup of tea, to England I send out the good ol’ proverbial "Cheers!", and to all you at home, I say simply, "See you soon."

P.S.
Stay tuned for tales of Scotland and Ireland…

Stonehenge & Bath

"En route to London to board my bus tour: Everyday now seems to hold a number of lasts for me here; I’ve been trying to soak in every detail from the sounds of the kids’ laughter to the smells of the house. To be truthful, there have been a few occasions where tears could have come easily had I allowed it but I'm sure there’ll be plenty of that to come; no need to start early."

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"The coach departed about 20 minutes late, but I used that time to look over all the people lined up in the queue, thinking to myself "Now, who can I make friends with?" There was one particular older couple whose southern accent left their nationality undeniable. I caught eyes with the Mrs., we smiled at eachother and the exact words that went through my mind where: "She looks like she might like someone to mother." What a sad case I am.

Driving through London on the way out of the city, it became clear to me how much more of the city I could have seen. Having the tour guide point out everything gave interest to things that I didn’t take a second look at. Did you know there’s a nude sculpture of the Duke of Wellington that had to be turned around because it was causing too many accidents? It would take at least a week to take in everything London has to offer. I realize also that as much as the whole backpacking lifestyle does appeal to me, Coach Tours have a few undisputable perks: being taken care of, not being on your feet all day and the extremely informative commentary; I absolutely love hearing the stories and the history of everything. The downsides? Traffic jams, stopping at Windsor castle to pick up some additional passengers and waiting for 30 minutes while they were located and sorted, the drafts of body odor from the gentlemen in front of me and the incessant whining and negativity of the old lady behind me. The docile and indifferent responses from her husband led me to believe his thoughts may have contained something of the following: "Oh, shut up, woman."

Thanks a great deal to the invaluable history lesson our guide provided before arriving, the stones were every bit as exhilarating as I thought they would be. Just to give you an idea of what a feat it was, the largest stones in the middle weigh about 40 tons each and not only were they transported 24 miles before the wheel was ever invented, they were hoisted over top of the previously erected ring of 12 foot high trilithons. Besides that, all they would have had for tools were stones and animal bones, yet each stone is individually sculpted and there’s a very large 30 foot deep crevice dug out surrounding the whole structure. As icing on the cake, I had a conversation with the American lady on the way back to the bus (they’re from Oklahoma) and discovered that she had taught about Stonehenge for years as a now retired teacher and was seeing them for the first time. I was able to share in that experience as her excitement was infectious; it was really quite endearing. We ate lunch at the Stonehenge Inn just 5 minutes from the stones and as I was sitting among strangers and nobody spoke to anyone outside their own party, I was essentially dining alone, which is something I’ve always wanted to try; it wasn’t so bad. Side note: on our way there, our guide, Steve, relayed an unusual experience he had had just last week at the stones. He began by telling us that he wasn’t one to believe in the powers of the earth and all that hoopla, but this particular time, after entering the park, he noticed that his brand new Armani watch had stopped. When he brought it in to fixed, upon removing the back, they found all the inner workings of the watch had been melted down into a small solid mass of brass…odd.

It was about an hours drive to Bath through wide open countryside made up of never ending hills and valleys and littered with small villages. We even passed a very large and impressive estate that’s home to, actress, Jane Seymour. It was an incredibly beautiful drive. Partly way through, though, we entered a rather intimidating storm. It downpoured intensly and I was worried that Bath would be a let down, but the rain did stop before we arrived. The city of Bath is a sight to behold. Even the soggy state of it and the grey, but bright, sky could not take away from the beauty of the city; in fact, it just made the splendor of it seem a little more surreal. After passing by an apartment building that was once inhabited by Jane Austin, the bus was parked and we received strict instructions to be back in one hour. I was not about to waste the opportunity to experience this incredibly city, built almost completely out of the famous "Honey Colored Bath Stone" (which is actually more of a soft taupe), so I made haste through the Roman Baths and came out with 25 minutes to spare. Because of the weather, the streets were relatively unoccupied and the usual sounds of city life were somehow muted, granting me the sensation that I had found some kind of undiscovered, lost treasure. My favorite part was a small square that had the entrance to the Bath Abbey, the entrance to the baths, a few stores and a row of columns, completing the four sides of the enclosure (see picture in previous post). It was so silent and isolated that anything audible was hollow sounding and echoed off the buildings around me; especially the water droplets falling into the pre-formed puddles and the flapping of wings as the pigeons took flight in small groups from the steeples of the Abbey, their shapes black against the bright grey/white sky. Standing there, taking it all in, I could almost see the ghosts of the Roman soldiers chatting amongst themselves and entering the baths together. The continued rain and the prospect of the 40 minute train ride home (after the 2 hour bus ride from Bath) could not possibly put a damper on the joy I feel from having seen not only Stonehenge, but the incredible city of Bath.

I quite love the look of Central London in the nighttime and was graced with the sight of Harrods, lit up by 11,000 white lights, upon entering the city. A wonderful sight and a wonderful way to end my time here, as besides an underground trip to King’s Cross train station on Tuesday morning, this was the last I’ll see of London."

Bits & Bobs

Being determined to make the most of every detail of my days here has made me realize the depth of my tendency to constantly look ahead. Shamefully, I’ve realized how many minutes and hours have gone by unnoticed because of my preoccupation with the future. Knowing now where I’ve gone wrong hasn’t completely dissolved the issue, but awareness is the first natural step and there have been many occasions since, which I’ve soaked in after a conscious decision to focus my attention on the present instead of ignoring it. It’s incredible how much of a mind switch it is. Those moments that I did make that conscious change in my mentality had such an effect on me; physically and emotionally. In a single second, I felt lighter, more relaxed and most importantly, more alive.

Mine and Cheryl’s pending trip northward has been occupying my mind quite completely for the last week. I’m excited, but also a little worried about the effects the terrorist threats have been having on the airports and airlines. There have been major delays, flights have been cancelled, and hand baggage has been significantly limited. It could likely clear up significantly be the time we take our first of three flights, but it’s still cause for concern. I suppose this is just another test of my trust in God; so on that note, I’m pledging now to put it from my mind because Cheryl and I have done everything we can to guarantee smooth sailing so the rest is out of our hands and we’ll just deal with it as it comes. For those who are interested, here’s out itinerary:
Aug.22: Train to Edinburgh, Aug.23-24: Edinburgh, Aug.25: Bus to Inverness, Aug.26: Inverness, Aug.27: Flight to Dublin, Aug.28-30: Coach Tour all throughout southern Ireland, Aug.31-Sep.1: To be decided; evening flight to London, Sep.2: Home.

So far, I’ve simply been relaying truths that God has graciously shown to me, but now I will tell you of a lesson learnt that has more to do with me and less to do with the intricacies of our spiritual lives. I had been praying that I might begin to learn the art of humility (as I know I can be quite proud, but that’s another story altogether); just not in the humiliating, don’t want to show your face in public sort of way. This experience was an answer to that prayer:
On the Wednesday night in France, I sat down with Catherine to ask her about the possibility of getting some time off during the next few days as I was feeling a little frazzled. This conversation did not go how I expected it to, thanks also to Jonathan’s involvement. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a horrible experience, but it wasn’t the most pleasant conversation I’ve ever had either. We spoke like civilized adults and there was no animosity between parties, but Jonathan tends to approach things from more of a business-like approach due to his high-ranking position in a large financial institution. He spoke of the expenses of having me there and suggested that we could work it out as long as my 7 hours "on" were filled with significant activity as oppose to working continuously and enjoying the moments of relaxation that presented themselves throughout the day. First of all, I didn’t know what that meant exactly as my job is generally pertaining to the kids and they didn’t need too much looking after, and I really didn’t want that hanging over my head; always wondering if a moment being still would lead to scrutiny and resentment. Second, I could have explained that you can never truly relax in an environment where you’re "available" every waking moment of the day to be called upon at any given moment to aid or execute some task. In regards to the expenses, I could have argued that it was their choice to have someone along and, frankly, part of the arrangement; so though I am grateful for the experience, it was not fair to imply that I was indebted to them. I could have argued too that I was being deprived of two free weekends and, finally, that I was confident that I had displayed and proved my work ethic in the last month and a half and that he should know that I would not ask for this if I didn’t feel it was justified. I could have argued…but I didn’t. I choose instead to continue and complete my time here under amiable circumstances and did what was asked of me throughout the day for the duration of the trip. As my previous posts made clear, the trip was positive and amazing and wonderful and although this all sounds a little awkward and disagreeable, I could see where they were coming from and the conversation was generally good-natured and ended with pleasantries and wishes of a good night. There were moments during those days that I felt like I was in a room with no exit and the walls were closing in around me. There were moments where I would have given my left arm to sit down and have a conversation with someone who really knows me. It was a moment that evening, though, which was the most significant; when I was feeling dejected alone in my bedroom asking myself and God why he was putting me through this. The word humility then snuck into the forefronts of my brain and I realized then that this had nothing to do with the Potter’s and everything to do with me. Though I would be lying if I said I felt not a twinge of bitterness at any given time during those days; I am human as you know. I realize now that this whole trip, given the nature of the job, has been a lesson in humility; I’d just been so eager to please that it didn’t ever occur to me until I felt that I was maybe being taken advantage of. Though, to clarify, I don’t believe that has ever been their intention. Do I feel worn? Yes. Do I feel like my limits have been tested? Yes. Do I regret the lesson? Absolutely not. Not only have I been humbled by the experience, I have been utterly humbled by the unfailing efforts of my Heavenly Father where my personal growth is concerned. I know I don’t deserve it, there are many more worthy then me, yet he persists. Who am I to receive such attention? I suppose to ask such a question means only that my learning has simply just begun.