Bits & Bobs

Being determined to make the most of every detail of my days here has made me realize the depth of my tendency to constantly look ahead. Shamefully, I’ve realized how many minutes and hours have gone by unnoticed because of my preoccupation with the future. Knowing now where I’ve gone wrong hasn’t completely dissolved the issue, but awareness is the first natural step and there have been many occasions since, which I’ve soaked in after a conscious decision to focus my attention on the present instead of ignoring it. It’s incredible how much of a mind switch it is. Those moments that I did make that conscious change in my mentality had such an effect on me; physically and emotionally. In a single second, I felt lighter, more relaxed and most importantly, more alive.

Mine and Cheryl’s pending trip northward has been occupying my mind quite completely for the last week. I’m excited, but also a little worried about the effects the terrorist threats have been having on the airports and airlines. There have been major delays, flights have been cancelled, and hand baggage has been significantly limited. It could likely clear up significantly be the time we take our first of three flights, but it’s still cause for concern. I suppose this is just another test of my trust in God; so on that note, I’m pledging now to put it from my mind because Cheryl and I have done everything we can to guarantee smooth sailing so the rest is out of our hands and we’ll just deal with it as it comes. For those who are interested, here’s out itinerary:
Aug.22: Train to Edinburgh, Aug.23-24: Edinburgh, Aug.25: Bus to Inverness, Aug.26: Inverness, Aug.27: Flight to Dublin, Aug.28-30: Coach Tour all throughout southern Ireland, Aug.31-Sep.1: To be decided; evening flight to London, Sep.2: Home.

So far, I’ve simply been relaying truths that God has graciously shown to me, but now I will tell you of a lesson learnt that has more to do with me and less to do with the intricacies of our spiritual lives. I had been praying that I might begin to learn the art of humility (as I know I can be quite proud, but that’s another story altogether); just not in the humiliating, don’t want to show your face in public sort of way. This experience was an answer to that prayer:
On the Wednesday night in France, I sat down with Catherine to ask her about the possibility of getting some time off during the next few days as I was feeling a little frazzled. This conversation did not go how I expected it to, thanks also to Jonathan’s involvement. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a horrible experience, but it wasn’t the most pleasant conversation I’ve ever had either. We spoke like civilized adults and there was no animosity between parties, but Jonathan tends to approach things from more of a business-like approach due to his high-ranking position in a large financial institution. He spoke of the expenses of having me there and suggested that we could work it out as long as my 7 hours "on" were filled with significant activity as oppose to working continuously and enjoying the moments of relaxation that presented themselves throughout the day. First of all, I didn’t know what that meant exactly as my job is generally pertaining to the kids and they didn’t need too much looking after, and I really didn’t want that hanging over my head; always wondering if a moment being still would lead to scrutiny and resentment. Second, I could have explained that you can never truly relax in an environment where you’re "available" every waking moment of the day to be called upon at any given moment to aid or execute some task. In regards to the expenses, I could have argued that it was their choice to have someone along and, frankly, part of the arrangement; so though I am grateful for the experience, it was not fair to imply that I was indebted to them. I could have argued too that I was being deprived of two free weekends and, finally, that I was confident that I had displayed and proved my work ethic in the last month and a half and that he should know that I would not ask for this if I didn’t feel it was justified. I could have argued…but I didn’t. I choose instead to continue and complete my time here under amiable circumstances and did what was asked of me throughout the day for the duration of the trip. As my previous posts made clear, the trip was positive and amazing and wonderful and although this all sounds a little awkward and disagreeable, I could see where they were coming from and the conversation was generally good-natured and ended with pleasantries and wishes of a good night. There were moments during those days that I felt like I was in a room with no exit and the walls were closing in around me. There were moments where I would have given my left arm to sit down and have a conversation with someone who really knows me. It was a moment that evening, though, which was the most significant; when I was feeling dejected alone in my bedroom asking myself and God why he was putting me through this. The word humility then snuck into the forefronts of my brain and I realized then that this had nothing to do with the Potter’s and everything to do with me. Though I would be lying if I said I felt not a twinge of bitterness at any given time during those days; I am human as you know. I realize now that this whole trip, given the nature of the job, has been a lesson in humility; I’d just been so eager to please that it didn’t ever occur to me until I felt that I was maybe being taken advantage of. Though, to clarify, I don’t believe that has ever been their intention. Do I feel worn? Yes. Do I feel like my limits have been tested? Yes. Do I regret the lesson? Absolutely not. Not only have I been humbled by the experience, I have been utterly humbled by the unfailing efforts of my Heavenly Father where my personal growth is concerned. I know I don’t deserve it, there are many more worthy then me, yet he persists. Who am I to receive such attention? I suppose to ask such a question means only that my learning has simply just begun.